Saturday, May 25, 2013

Mother's Day, round II

Here's another thing that's been rattling around for a few weeks....
It is May 12, Mother's Day. It is also Heiko's 13 month birthday today.

Despite all this, or maybe because of this, I'm feeling like a big bundle of feels today. Feely feely feels, which is pretty unusual for me to be honest. Yoga school concluded yesterday, which was a beautiful and fun day but also pretty sad for me. Everyone describes yoga teacher training as transformational, and although I don't want to be that cliche, it was actually kind of true. I'm not really going to write more about that now, except to say that it was kind of amplified for me because it was the first real 'thing' that I did outside of the house, on my own, since Heiko was born.

So here I am today, reflecting on my identity as a mother, as a daughter, as a yogi and now as a teacher of yoga. I'd like to tell you that it all feels just so natural, and yet I have to say that just isn't true. Motherhood is still such an uneasy role for me. Thinking back a year to last Mother's Day it was all so new. And, I was then an even bigger bundle of feels. Like a towering and messy straw heap of postpartum ohmygods. I think today I'm more like a tumbleweed... my thoughts and feelings billowing around all over the place.

When I was pregnant, I created the "transition" tag for my blog posts. I wanted to write about this massive change that was happening. I thought that after becoming a mother that the "transition" would be complete, yet I still find myself wanting to label a lot of things that way. I don't think I can call myself a new mama any more, yet it still feels so very new. I suppose this goes with the territory of living with a human who has more than doubled in every dimension over the last year. A human who is in a constant state of rapid change. It actually literally is all so new, every single moment of every day, despite the tedium of many aspects of parenting an infant.

But this change is welcome, and being a mother to my little guy seems to get better and more fun by the day. I remember that in the beginning, stepping out of the house without Heiko was a disconcerting experience, even it was just to go to the 7/11 for a litre of milk. The greasy hair, barf/who-knows covered shirt and ill-fitting pants had no explanation without my new blob of a baby, not to mention my hyper-emotional state which made even buying milk a potentially tearful experience. Now it is different of course. For one thing, I'm more likely to be covered in almond butter (it's everywhere, people) than spit-up. But critically, I once again feel like I am something other than just Heiko's mum. You know, I'm like, me, and stuff? The same me that had interests and ideas and whatever else before H came along. So I don't know whether to say that I'm me again, or I'm still me, or maybe... it is just a brand new me.

Speaking of which, as for yoga, well, in a way that is an uneasy identity for me too. After all, I used to really really dislike yoga. And then things changed, I stopped dancing, caught the yoga vibe, bought some lululemon pants, and the rest is history. Well, kind of. Despite the whole teacher training thing, sometimes I just don't feel really on board with the whole yoga scene. There are problems. Maybe I'll tackle the subject some other time, but the point I'm making right now (can this even be called a point?) is that liking/doing/teaching(!!!!) yoga is still feeling new and sometimes uncomfortable for me.

OK, I better end off here. As I said, billowing bunch of thoughts. Coherence: not a feature of this mother/yogi/human just right now. Except apparently in the fash department. This dress has seen me through some interesting times.

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